


I Don’t Deserve to Mourn

by mrs_t2019



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: All the cuddles, Christopher Pike to the rescue, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Michael Burnham Needs a Hug, Probably ooc, Sylvia Tilly to the rescue, all the hugs, dad!Pike
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 05:22:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18653743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrs_t2019/pseuds/mrs_t2019
Summary: “It’s okay to cry, Michael. You lost a friend and that hurts,” he told her, holding her hands.“I d...I don’t deserve to,” she stuttered tightly, looking down.





	I Don’t Deserve to Mourn

 

Sylvia hurried down the corridor, trying not to bring attention to herself, completely focused on getting to her destination. She knew she had to hurry and that she would need to be concise. She went over what she would say in her head, trying not to sound like someone was dying, but that the matter was urgent. She reached the door and hesitated for a moment before pressing the screen to announce her arrival. She swiped her cheeks, sniffling as the door opened and taking a deep breath before stepping in the room.

“Ensign Tilly, what can I...Ensign, are you all right?” Chris asked, the smile on his face morphing into a frown as he stood and walked around the table in the middle of his quarters. She shifted from foot to foot, wringing her hands nervously as her brain completely blanked out, her mouth opening and closing. She didn’t know why she got so twitchy around superior officers. She felt horrible for disturbing him at this late hour, and it was obvious from his black cotton pants and gray t-shirt that he wasn’t planning on working for the rest of the night. “Tilly, what is it?”

“I...umm, I’m so sorry to bother you, but...it’s-it’s Michael, Sir. Um, Commander Burnham, Captain,” she finally stuttered, picking at her cuticles while trying not to bounce on her toes. Finally, she couldn’t stand it anymore and started pacing, pushing her hair back with one hand. “Oh, God, she’d kill me if she knew I was here.”

“Tilly. _Tilly_ , stop. Take a deep breath,” Chris instructed calmly, taking her shoulders in his hands and not letting go until she did as she was told. “Why don’t we sit down?”

He led her the couch with a hand in between her shoulders, walking away for a moment and coming back with a glass that held a fair amount of a dark amber liquid. He sat on the couch, turning and handing it to her.

“Take it slow. It’s—.” Chris stopped when she tossed the whole thing back, wincing at her gasp. “—strong...stuff. Okay, you’ve got about five minutes before you pass out, so tell me what’s going on.”

“Michael, she...whoa,” Sylvia slurred, shaking her head and blinking like an owl. “What the hell was that? Doesn’t matter. Michael’s been totally silent for the last week. No smile, no conversation, nothing. All she’s done is...is shower and work. She’s barely eating, Cap’n. I d’no what t’ d-do.”

“Well, we just lost Airiam, Sylvia. And she was there when it happened. Commander Burnham may just need some time to cope with it,” Chris told her logically, catching the glass when it slipped out of her suddenly numb fingers.

“Oh, shit, sorry. Sorry, Captain! Oh, my God, what’s wrong with me?” Sylvia scolded herself, covering her face with her hands and leaning her elbows on her knees. Chris chuckled despite the seriousness of the situation, patting her back.

“I tried to tell you to go slow,” he replied, setting the glass down. Sylvia scrubbed her face with her fingertips, her skin quickly turning pink. She shook her head, trying to get past the drunk feeling, and spoke slowly, her words slurring.

“Captain, we’ve lost people before. Georgiou, Lorca, even though he was a total snot hole. This is...different. I think Michael needs help,” she said, tears filling her eyes as she turned her head to look at him sadly. “Call me selfish, but I’ve already lost one friend this week. I can’t lose another.”

“Tilly—.”

“Please, Sir. She needs someone. I’ve tried to get her to talk to me and she won’t,” Sylvia begged, tears falling down her cheeks.

“Ensign, what makes you think she’ll talk to me?” Chris asked. Sylvia watched him for a moment, contemplating her next words, but her brain turned to mush, so she just let them flow.

“She looks up to you, Captain. She admires your strength, your le-level-headednessss.” The room started tilting. Oh, wait, that was her body. Strong hands caught her shoulders and laid her on her side, a soft blanket being pulled over her and her boots being tugged off. Her head was lifted and a small pillow placed under her cheek. She sighed at the cool fabric against her hot skin and looked up, tears tickling her nose. “Captain, please go talk to her. She’ll listen to you. She loves you.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, confused, as he tucked the blanket around her securely. Her eyes started fluttering.

“Like...like a dad..a real one...don’t tell,” Sylvia trailed off, her eyes closing. Chris sighed, patting her shoulder as he stood and walked out of the room. Taking a deep breath, he headed to Tilly and Michael’s quarters. He tapped the screen, half-expecting a response. When he didn’t get one, he tapped the intercom.

“Commander Burnham, are you awake?” he said into the microphone, concerned when he didn’t hear anything. “Commander Burnham, this is Captain Pike. I’m entering your quarters.”

He punched in his override code and the door slid open to reveal a pitch black room. It closed behind him and he tried allowing his eyes to adjust.

“Computer, lights at thirty percent.” The room was bathed in a cool light, revealing his science officer, who laid on her bed facing the wall in her sleep shorts and a tank top. “Commander, are you all right?”

Chris stood behind her, waiting. She didn’t turn over, though, or even acknowledge his presence. He knew she was awake because of her shuddering breaths, but he didn’t want to push her. So, he kicked off his shoes and stretched out on Tilly’s bed, locking his fingers over his chest and closing his eyes with a yawn. He had been dozing for a few minutes when he heard soft sniffles coming from Michael. He turned his head to look at her sadly. She hadn’t moved an inch, but he could see the trembles of near-silent sobs. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood, walking over and carefully sitting down behind Michael. Laying a hand in what he hoped was a comforting manner on Michael’s shoulder, Chris rubbed it with his thumb.

“Michael,” he started softly. “I know you’re hurting right now. We all are. But you don’t have to do this alone. You have people who care about you and are ready to help.”

He pulled on her with gentle pressure and Michael finally turned her head to look at him. She was a complete wreck, her face pale, wet, and swollen, her eyes bloodshot, chin trembling and jaw clenched as she struggled to hold in her pain. Chris made a sympathetic sound and his mouth quirked into a small smile as he pulled her to sit up. 

“It’s okay to cry, Michael. You lost a friend and that hurts,” he told her, holding her hands.

“I d...I don’t deserve to,” she stuttered tightly, looking down. Chris frowned and framed her face with his hands, wiping her tears away with his thumbs as he made her look into his serious gaze.

“I don’t ever want to hear that from you again, Commander. Is that understood?” he said darkly. Michael stared at him, almost fearfully. “You, of all people, with the biggest heart I’ve ever encountered, have every right to grieve. Airiam was your friend, and you’re allowed to mourn that loss. There is nothing wrong with that.”

Chris could see that he was breaking through. Her entire body was practically vibrating with how hard she fought to hold it all in. She was biting her lip hard enough to break the skin, tears curving around Chris’s fingers as she breathed shakily through her nose. He just needed one final push. With a hand on the back of her head, Chris pulled Michael to his chest, holding her tightly.

“You can let go, Michael. It’s okay.”

She finally cracked, loud, heaving wails escaped her, her muscles trembling. He could almost feel her agony as she twisted miserably, her cheek pressing hard into his shoulder. She clung to him desperately, her hands fisting in his shirt and pulling on it. It was almost frightening. Michael was falling apart fast, her face buried in the right side of his neck as he held her, rocking her and rubbing her back.

“Easy, easy. I’ve got you, Michael. I’ve got you,” Chris drawled. “Just let it out. That’s it.”

“Oh, God, A-Airiam!” Michael cried. “I’m so sorry!”

“It wasn’t your fault, Commander. None of this was.” Michael shook her head, holding so tightly that Chris’s ribs were aching a bit. He pushed her back so he could look into her eyes. “Hey, I need you to listen to me, Michael. It wasn’t. Your. Fault.”

“I-I should’ve t-tried harder,” she moaned through painful hiccups. “I cou-ld’ve s-saved her!”

“No, sweetheart, you couldn’t. Airiam made her decision to save all of us. To save the universe. There was nothing any of us could have done to change her mind.” Chris ran a hand from Michael’s hair to her neck, sighing when she cried in defeat. She looked up, ashamed, when he released her, thinking he was leaving. But he didn’t. He merely turned to lean against the pillow and pulled her torso to lay across his lap, his left arm cradling her body and his right curling over her side and around her back as he brought his knees up to take some of her weight. Michael was too busy hiding in his chest to notice that he was essentially holding her as if she were an infant. “You did everything you could, kiddo. There was no other way.”

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered, letting him rock her, her hand clutching his shirt near her mouth.

“You tried so hard to save her. I know if there was anything else that could have been done, you would have done it. Do you understand?” Michael shook her head stubbornly, so Chris pushed her away and cupped her cheek. “I’m proud of you, Michael.”

“No, please,” Michael moaned. She didn’t want anyone to be proud that she didn’t save her friend. Chris stroked her hair, squeezing her to his chest again.

“I am. You fought for your crew mate, your friend, and our family. I couldn’t ask for more than that.” Michael tried to argue, but was cut off by her own tears, hiding her face in his shoulder. “Shh, it’s all right. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Chris wasn’t sure how long he held Michael, how long she cried her pain into the universe. Frankly, he didn’t care. He would do whatever it took to help her. She was eventually reduced to hiccups, utterly exhausted, breathing heavily through her mouth as her back was rubbed soothingly. Chris looked down, seeing her eyes were closed, and carefully maneuvered them so that he was laying flat, Michael across his chest and the blankets covering them. He froze every time she frowned, whined, or twitched, but would quickly soothe her back to sleep. With a yawn, he closed his own eyes to rest a bit, his fingers pulling through Michael’s hair.

************************

Michael’s first thoughts upon waking was that she was still tired, but so warm and comfortable. Her bed was never this nice. But why was she sideways? She lifted her head and looked at her supposed pillow, confused. When had she fallen asleep...on the captain? How did that blanket get around her shoulders? Chris tilted his head to peer into her eyes with a soft smile.

“Hey, there.” Michael blinked several times, trying to clear the cobwebs from her brain. Then she remembered and blushed in embarrassment.

“Sir,” she croaked, her voice hoarse from overuse. “How long was I out?”

“Three days,” he said gravely. Michael tensed, her eyes widening. Chris chuckled and rubbed her arm. “Relax, it’s only been about two hours.”

“That wasn’t funny,” she groaned, dropping her head back to his shoulder in exhaustion.

“I thought it was. And I’m the captain, so it was.” Michael felt the blanket being adjusted around her more securely, a hand smoothing over her hair, and a sigh moving her body. “You needed the sleep. I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Thank you, sir,” Michael said gratefully, lifting her hand to cover a yawn. Though she would never admit it, she snuggled back down into his chest, obviously delirious. There was no other reason that she would do such a thing.

“Of course. Anything I can d—...oh, God.” Chris froze, biting his lip. Michael pulled back with concern. “Tilly.”

“Where is she?”

“Passed out in my quarters.” Michael frowned in question. “She was worried about you and could barely get two words out, so I gave her a drink to help her relax. I didn’t know she’d down it in two seconds.”

“She’s a bit of a lightweight.”

“I’d better go check on her,” he told her, prodding her to sit up so he could stand.

“I’ll come with you,” Michael yawned, putting her feet into her slippers while Chris slid his own shoes on.

“You should really get some more sleep, Michael,” he protested. She put on a sweatshirt and shook her head.

“I’ll be fine, Captain. Besides, someone has to bring her back.” Chris nodded and led the way. He opened the door to his quarters and Michael knelt next to where Sylvia lay on the couch, dead to the world. She laid a hand on her back and rubbed it gently. “Tilly, wake up. We need to go home.”

“Michael?” Sylvia slurred, blinking a few times and squinting. When she realized who was in front of her, she threw the blanket off and sat up quickly, pulling Michael into a tight hug. “Oh, my God, are you okay? I was so worried about you! I’m sorry that I went to Captain Pike, but I didn’t know what else to do and I just—.”

“Shh, I’m fine, Tilly. You did the right thing. I’m not mad at you,” Michael interrupted, pulling back with a smile. She couldn’t resist pressing a light kiss to Sylvia’s forehead. “Thank you for getting him.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Sylvia replied, giving her another quick hug before standing with Michael and folding the blanket. She looked at Chris, who was perched on the arm of the couch. “I’m so sorry for falling asleep on your couch, Captain.”

“Passed out is a better way of putting it,” he chuckled, a blush creeping up Sylvia’s neck. “It’s all right, Tilly. I understand worrying for your friends. And Michael’s right. You did exactly what needed to be done.”

“Thank you, sir,” she replied meekly.

“All right, you two need to hit the sack and I need to look into better mattresses for everyone. That thing was horrible,” Chris said with a groan, rubbing his neck. Michael and Sylvia exchanged a relieved look, nodding their agreement. With a hand on each of their shoulders, Chris walked them to the door to see them out.

“Tilly, I’ll just be a minute. Is that okay?” Michael said as they crossed the threshold.

“Of course. I’ll call the turbolift,” Sylvia said with a smile. “Night, Captain!”

“Goodnight, Tilly,” Chris responded, shaking his head and chuckling at her optimism. He looked down at Michael, rubbing her shoulder. “Everything all right?”

“It will be. I just wanted to thank you. For...everything,” Michael said solemnly.

“You’re welcome, Michael,” he replied humbly. He studied her for a few seconds before backing into his quarters with her, out of sight to save her pride, and embraced her, feeling her relax. “If you need anything, you know where to find me. Remember what I told you. You’re not in this alone.”

“Thank you.” Michael pulled away and walked out looking a bit lighter. “Goodnight, sir.”

“G’night, Michael.”


End file.
